Music Monday

I'm about to get real with y'all. I hope that you will indulge me; because I need this.

As many of you know, I've been in somewhat of a dark season of life as of late, with my recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia. 

I have only just begun to speak openly and honestly with how I have handled the news and what it is like living with my condition. There are many reasons why I kept silent for so long. Partly because I was scared- I don't need any more judgement in my life right now. Partly because I still wanted to hold onto as much normalcy as I could. I didn't want people to know how much pain I was in all of the time, or just how much I was really suffering. 

I didn't want to be treated any differently.

But the truth is- people don't seem to know how to react. I look normal. My physical appearance hasn't changed. To all the world I look as though nothing is wrong with me. {I will confess- I do put up a good front when I am in pain. My husband says that I should win an Oscar for my performance.} I just don't trust many people with how I am really feeling. Again, I guess it's because I want to hold onto as much normalcy as possible... That, and those who I had previously trusted- people who claimed to love me and care about me- whom I felt that I could be most vulnerable around- proved that they were not trustworthy. 

So I built up a wall. 

I didn't want to hurt any more than I already was.

Some have accused me of lying. Some would like to believe that I am creating these symptoms merely to gain attention. Some have even whispered that my condition is a result of un-confessed sin...as if I cannot hear their whispers. As if I do not know that they are talking about me behind my back. As if I do not recognize that awkward silence that erupts when I walk by.

It hurts. 

Their words inflict more pain than the fibromyalgia symptoms ever could. 

Around the time of my diagnosis, Laura Story came out with a song called Blessings.

Laura wrote this song amidst a difficult season in her own life- the hospitalization of her husband in 2006 due to a brain tumor. Taken from her biography on Amazon, Laura writes:

“The song shows that we still have more questions than answers,” Laura confesses. “But there’s a decision that I find God is asking us to make: whether we’re going to judge God based on our circumstances, or whether we are going to choose to interpret our circumstances based on what we hold to be true about God.”

...sometimes involves having to redefine what God’s “blessings” could mean, a spiritual wrestling match she perfectly encapsulates on Blessings’ breathtaking title track and first single:

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life

is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

This song has been instrumental in my own journey and the Lord has used it to begin the healing process. I may never experience physical healing this side of heaven, but He has been faithful in healing my broken heart. I know that this is not one of my typical uplifting or lighthearted posts, and if you are new to my blog I do apologize for the heaviness; but I am beginning to realize that in order for complete healing to take place, I must allow myself to be open and vulnerable. I know that not everyone will understand what I am going through- nor will they care. I know that there will be those who doubt. I know that there will be those who betray my trust. But there are also those who are ready to bring the encouragement and the support that my heart so desperately needs- but they will never be able to do so if I keep building up walls.

So... consider this an act of bringing out the sledgehammer.

I'm ready to tear down some walls.