{Courtesy of Google Images}
"I'm fine."
It's my typical response when someone asks me how I am doing.
And sometimes... it couldn't be further from the truth. Especially since March of 2011.
You see, that is when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. And from that moment on, everything in my life changed.
Misunderstood.
Abandoned.
Judged.
Lonely.
Broken.
These are just a few of the words that immediately come to mind when I think back on the last year and a half. It could easily be described as the darkest season of my life. There were days when the pain was so severe that I literally could not get out of bed. Even laying there under my sheets, being as still as I could be, brought upon waves of pain so horrendous, that only another fibromyalgia sufferer would truly understand. There were days that, if I am brutally honest, I wanted God to end my life. I didn't know how I could live the remainder of my days in that kind of pain. And don't even get me started on the emotional pain... Those are the kind of scars that will take far longer to heal.
Yet... as strange as this may sound... I wouldn't go back and change it for anything in the world, because it has been through this season, that Jesus has been the most present in my life.
Broken.
Empty.
All I had left was Jesus.
And He was more than enough.
More than anything I could have ever hoped for.
He has been my Comforter.
He has been my Counselor.
He has been my Defender.
He has been my Shepherd.
He has been my Strength.
He has been my Healer.
He has been my Refuge.
He has been my Rock.
He has been my Hiding Place.
He has been more than a friend to me... He has been the very air that I breathe.
If there were ever a song that fully captured the emotions that I battle on a regular basis, it would be this one:
The Hurt and The Healer by Mercy Me.
Even though I may not always be fine... I take comfort in that one day, I will be.
I relate to this. So much. I have been so frustrated for a long time - stressed, sad, and "fine." Just this morning I read this, "From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the EXACT PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULD LIVE. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is NOT FAR from each one of us." (emphasis mine) Acts 17:26-27
ReplyDeleteGod knew I would feel abandoned and like a nomad who just wants a home, but everything that happens to us is designed so that we will cleave more to Him.
Your journey is more about your physical body and mine is more about physical location, but I feel like we are in really similar places right now.
I'm glad I have someone with me on this journey.
I'm always extremely nervous when I write blog posts like this one because I do not know how readers will respond. While I do not wish this on anyone, it is encouraging to know that I am not alone- that there is someone, somewhere, who can relate. It is with that knowledge, that gives me the courage to be vulnerable.
DeleteApril, I am so glad that I can call you my friend :)